Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Our little peanut...

And here is a picture of our little peanut.


For sure

So we had our second ultrasound yesterday, as we were not absolute on how many babies were in my tummy. :)

Our first ultrasound showed two sacks and one baby. We were not sure if we just couldn't see the baby yet or whether the little embryo had arrested early on.

This ultrasound showed us our little peanut again, and once again a little empty sack. The sack had grown closer to our little peanut and the doctor said most likely it will just be absorbed into the other placenta.

So, we have ONE, for sure. One little peanut to love and adore. One little peanut to add to the craziness. We are truly excited and grateful for this little miracle.

Lots and lots of love,


Friday, August 27, 2010


Sorry, I haven't posted for awhile. Luckily we are all doing great here. Lia is better and no one else got her little strep throat...which was a true blessing.

This pregnancy has been totally different than when I was pregnant with Hannah. I was really sick every day with Hannah, but this time it is day by day (which is great). Although yesterday and today have been the same...sick. Also, all I want is junk food! Why is that? You would think my body would say, "hey, you have a baby inside HEALTHY!" But no, yesterday all I wanted was a snicker's shake and french fries. So I gave in and off to Arctic Circle we went.

I am also way more tired with this pregnancy. Around 2 o'clock or so, it is like I hit this wall. I struggle to keep my eyes open. It is actually pretty funny. I am completely worthless after 2:00, so I do try to get in a little house work and photography edits before the afternoon.

Anyway...I hope I don't sound like I am complaining...I am so giddy happy that we are pregnant. It is just that this is what my life is like right now...and I want to remember it.

Lots and lots of love,


Monday, August 23, 2010


Lia is so much better! What a crazy weekend :S

Baby in tummy is making me sicker and sicker by the day...I have to admit, as much as I hate being is good to have a reminder that he or she is doing well and still growing.

Just 17 more days of the Progesterone shot! YAY!

Not sure if my hips could take any more of those...




Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sick, sick, sick...

Today started off pretty good. I had done a wedding yesterday, so I was a little tired. We were planning on going to the reception tonight as well, there was going to lots of fun activities and food. So we were looking forward to it. However, Lia started to act a little strange, I felt her head and she felt really hot. I took her temp and it was 101 degrees. I wasn't too worried at this point, but I did feel like something wasn't quite right. I gave her some infant Tylenol to see if I could get her fever down. Two hours later, I checked her head again and she was even hotter. She was being lethargic as well, so I took her temp again. This time it was 102.8...I was officially worried. I called our doctor (who has an after hours clinic, which we love) and they said we needed to come in. Well, a long story short...Lia has strep throat! This isn't very common in someone her age. But it does happen. So she has started her first round of antibiotics and hopefully we can get this taken care of without anyone else getting sick. I asked the doctor if it would be serious if I were to get strep due to me being pregnant and he said, "yes". So, of course I am really worried.

What a day. I am beat. I just pray that Lia will feel better soon and that we will all stay healthy. I hate it when my kids are sick. It is so sad to see them feeling so miserable.



Thursday, August 19, 2010

Now that we know...

So, it was a huge relief to be able to see that little person wiggling inside me. I have felt like this in-vitro was going to work this time, but I think it is hard not to question yourself when it comes to matters such as these. I was thankful when they called us with a positive result and yet I still hesitated to be completely overjoyed until I could see this little baby. I guess it all goes back to our faith. Faith is truly something hoped for that is not seen but it true. I feel a little embarrassed that I wasn't able to have complete faith, when I had had promptings that everything would be fine. It wasn't until I had complete knowledge that I was able to relax somewhat. I will admit, my faith in Christ and my faith in my religion seem to be a different thing. I truly believe in my Savior and I can't see me believing in him more when I see him again. I think I have complete faith that he is real and that his life and mission were real. I feel the same way about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it is true.

I hope someday that I will be able to feel of the Spirit and completely believe in what God wants for me. I hope that I can come to trust Him fully and not partially.

I will also admit...when we only saw the one baby (and as relieved as I was), I mourned for that second baby. There was a part of me that thought we were going to be having twins, and so, I, in a way, had attached to both of them.

In the end, however, I am truly grateful for this great blessing. I know that we are blessed. I know that there are people out there who try everything for years to have a baby. And while Flavio and I have known total heartbreak, we have two beautiful, healthy daughters and one more sweet angel on the way. These last six years have been the best and worst years of my life. I have never known such pain or such joy.

And now that we know...I will rejoice.



Monday, August 16, 2010

how many?


And he or she is healthy and looks great!

We have a little jelly bean with a strong heart beat :)

I couldn't have asked for more than that :)


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Counting down

We are counting down to Monday. Monday at 2:30 to be exact. That is when we will know whether we are having 1 or 2 babies. We will be able to see the little heart beats or beat. This to me is, of course, the most important part as it will let us know whether they are doing well or not. So, once again I am asking for a few more prayers in our behalf. A prayer that these little angels will be able to come into our lives and be with us forever.

I keep alluding that there might be two...I am really not sure at this point. I just figure, I will say two instead of one, so I don't make one of them feel bad. :)



Tuesday, August 10, 2010




Friday, August 6, 2010

Am I ready?

After a night like tonight, I wonder if I am ready to add one or two more little people to this already seemingly crazy family. Lia is our little tease, and if she is not making Hannah cry, she is crying for not being successful. So today was one of those days...I tried to keep them busy...we played outside with sidewalk chalk, we read books, we had a little picnic in our living room. I did do a photo shoot as soon as Flavio got home. Flavio, however, brought home pizza, all in all it was a good day...but my kids just kept melting down.

Now, I just worry, how am I going to do this with one or two more? Am I ready?

Advice...please. Let me know I am not alone in wanting to run out of my house screaming some nights. Let me know that I will survive. I want these babies, or baby with all my heart. But after days like this, I wonder how I will ever manage :0



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

How many?

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your love and concern for us during this crazy but amazing time. Until I got the call, I wasn't totally sure if we were going to get good news. 3 out of the 5 times we have done this, the news has been bad. For some reason, that "negative" just kept popping up in my head. It was a very scary wait.

So, I went in on Sunday morning to get my blood drawn. They give you a specific day and our day happened to be Sunday, August 1st. We didn't tell anyone what day it was, as we wanted to have some element of surprise. Anyway, so after coming back from U of U, we got ready for church. I wasn't sure what we were going to do if they called us at church. I am not a fan of phones in church, but I figured this was one time it would be okay. The U had both of our cell numbers, so we were covered. We put out phones on vibrate and off to church we went.

As we sat, keeping Hannah and Lia entertained, I had my phone under my leg so I wouldn't miss the call. We sang, we had a prayer. The Bishop gave his announcements. And then there was a baby blessing. As the father prayed for his little baby boy, I started to cry and then I felt a weird vibration under my leg..."oh, no" I thought, "what do I do?" Then the vibration stopped. The father was still praying when my husband all of a sudden got up and left. This was it. I sat there frozen, not sure what to do. Then Flavio came back in, I couldn't read his face...was it good news or bad? He then said, "they want to talk to you". So I got up and hurried out of the chapel. The nurse on the other end said, "Hi, how are doing?"... "We have some news for you." This for some reason seemed bad. Her voice wasn't happy, my heart sank and I waited. Then she said, "It is positive! You are pregnant!" I just stood, not really sure what to say. So I started to cry. By then Flavio and the girls were there with me and we were all able to celebrate together in the house of my Lord. What a blessing it was that we could be in such a place as that. I was able to feel of the Spirit and know that my Father in Heaven was with us.

Now we get to wait to see how many babies we are going to have. We won't have anymore than two, as only two embryos were implanted. I will be getting this viability scan in two weeks, that will make me 6 weeks along. Yes, I am only about 4 weeks sure makes for a long pregnancy when you know so early. But we are super excited and can't wait to see those little heart beats or heart beat.

We will keep you posted.

Thank you again for all your love and for all of your prayers.



Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Result

Today was the day.

And the result is.....

we are pregnant!

Thank you for all your love and prayers. We are so excited!


niki, flavio, hannah and lia