Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Friday, July 30, 2010


Our brains are amazing. No one really understands how they truly work. But they do...most of the time. They tell us if we are hot or cold, in pain or happy. They can affect how you feel day by day. Your brain tells you to move whatever you want to move. It remembers things, it grows, it also slows down as you get older. The brain allows you to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. It tells you when you are scared or excited. We can learn languages and communicate in very complex ways. It sends messages to every part of our body. So many things happen because of the brain...and so many things don't happen if it isn't working correctly. We know that the brain is very important. This was not always the case. The Egyptians and Aristotle thought is was worthless. The Egyptians, during mummification, threw the brain away. And Aristotle thought all the brain's functions came from the heart.

Why in the world would I be talking about this? Well, my brain has been telling me things that would make me believe I am pregnant...I am hoping it is because I AM pregnant and not because of pure psychological reasons....I don't want it to tell me I'm pregnant because that is what I want so much that I can literally trick myself into thinking that I am.

I pray that my brain is working as it should...I am not sure how I will handle it if it isn't.



Monday, July 26, 2010

Two great pictures!

So this first picture is of Flavio's mom with the girls. They had so much fun together and the girls miss her so much already :( Thank you again Mae, for helping us out! We love you!

The next picture is why she are our two little embryos...we hope to very soon call them our children.

Call me crazy, but I already love these two little dividing cells...



Sunday, July 25, 2010

Appreciate much!

I just wanted to write and let you know that it really makes me feel good that so many of you have been following our IVF blog. It means so much that you care enough to do so.

Thank you.

I hope that I can get through this week with little to no stress over what we are going that I am not on bed rest I plan on making myself busy...I know I said this in my last post...but i mean it. All the Spring cleaning that I planned on doing this past Spring, will be done this week. I guess I will just get to the early nesting thing and whether we are pregnant or not, at least I will have a clean house :)

I was hoping that I would read a lot, but I have not been in the reading mood. Which is very annoying as I have had all the time in the world to read these past few days. I will, when I am usually extremely busy, find a book that I can't put down and literally my whole family suffers...I become obsessed! But, when I have hours and hours to kill with nothing else to do but read and watch movies, guess what I did: I watched movies. Oh, well. It was relaxing and I was so grateful to my mother-in-law for coming over to help me out with the kids. I think the kids are going to be in for shock, as my mother-in-law literally entertained them 24/7...this of course will not continue on my watch...hopefully we can transition well ;)

Okay, well I will keep you posted if anything crazy happens...otherwise it will just be my random thoughts and the random happenings of my day.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!



Saturday, July 24, 2010

I am back...almost

So, today marks the 4th day after the embryo transfer. I have been sitting or lying around since Tuesday after the transfer.... I have to admit, I hate the lying around. It is very boring. My sweet mother-in-law came over to help with the girls, so that has been wonderful...but it is harder than you might think to just sit there when you feel fine. I feel for all those who have to stay on bed rest for weeks or months at a time.

Now, just as Flavio stated, we are just waiting. I keep hoping for some sign from my body. I can't remember whether I felt something different when we got pregnant with Hannah. I do feel completely exhausted...I can't get enough sleep. But other than that I feel normal. I wish so bad that it was an automatic sensation of knowing these precious embryos attached. But, for whatever reason nature has entended...we have to wait. We will go in some time in the next 2 weeks to find out. I thought this time would be easier, but it isn't. I am really for the most part consumed by what is happening and I am just as anxious as any of the other times before.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is, I thought that it would get easier...but it hasn't been. I am just as anxious for this baby as I was for when we were trying for Hannah and when we were waiting for Lia.

Thank you everyone for all your love and prayers. We will let you know as soon as we find out. Until then, I am going to try to stay very busy to help the time go by faster...let me know if you want to play, hang out and do something fun.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Waiting Game

Thank you everyone for keeping us in your prayers while we have been going through this in-vitro process. The embryo transfer went really well today, everything was very smooth and the staff at the University of Utah Reproductive Medicine team has been excellent. Everyone is so nice and helpful and very considerate of our situation.

I wanted to take a minute and explain the process today so everyone is up to speed on what is going on. Since the last update, there were 5 embryos that had fertilized, in the last couple of days 2 of the embryos kept growing, and 3 stopped :( but we did get 2 really good embryos :) those two embryos were implanted today and now we wait and hope that they both or at least one attaches, if it does, success. If not, back to square one. We're really hopeful and have felt really good about the whole process. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we have great news to share.

Niki is doing great and is resting for the rest of the week, while the little embryos do their thing (please attach!).

So what now? Waiting. Lots and lots of waiting. Wish us luck, and please, prayers, lots of prayers for us.

For those who are going through our struggle, you are not alone. There are so many couples out there going through the same thing. Reach out to others in your situation if you know them and get the support you need. If not, we sometimes have to educate those around us so that they can support us in our trial. We all need support from others to get through this. We can get through this, it's tough, but it's possible. With the help of family, friends, the Lord, and our determination to seek out the blessings that the Lord has for us, we can have that joy that we desire.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The day is set!

Tuesday! This is the day of our anticipated transfer! The lab called and said we have 5 embryos that are dividing normally, so hopefully we will have 2 for Tuesday and 3 more to freeze and store for another transfer later on :)

I am very nervous and excited. What a journey this has been. And it will not end until I have said, "Enough children, I have enough."



Friday, July 16, 2010

How did it go?

The egg retrieval went amazing. We were able to get 9 eggs this time, so hopefully we will be able to freeze a few for a frozen transfer (that is how we got Hannah). A fresh cycle, when the embryos have not been frozen, tends to give a higher % of success. We plan on putting in 2 embryos and will be doing so Sunday or Tuesday. U of U waits for day 3 or day 5 after the egg retrieval, they want those embryos to be optimal. We are very excited and putting our faith in God. It is up to Him now to help the doctors and my body with this process. We have done everything we know how and feel we can hand it over to Him.

After the transfer we will have to wait 2 weeks to know whether or not we are pregnant. It usually feels like the longest week of my life...but I have made it through 4 of them, so I can wait one more time.

Oh, I did start my progesterone shot yesterday and Flavio did a great job sticking it in. This shot is an IM or inter-muscular shot. So the needle is long...annoyingly long. If I get pregnant I will take it for 10 weeks total. If I don't get pregnant then we stop, of course.

So here is praying that I get to keep taking it!



Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Egg Retrieval

Tomorrow is one of two very important days...the egg retrieval day. I have been taking shots every day for 3 weeks (42 shots in all). All this time my ovaries have been stimulated in such a way that instead of producing 1 or 2 eggs, they said I should have about 8. They will then take Flavio's sperm and put one in each egg. This is called ICSI (i-c-see). Not everyone has to do this, for just in-vitro they can put the egg in a petri dish along with the sperm and let nature do it's thing...but we are a little on the worse case scenario side, so we have to do the ICSI along with in-vitro. It is amazing technology and without we would never be able to have a full biological child.

Tomorrow we have to be at U of U by 7:30 am...early. And thank you, Beth, for being willing to watch our other two munch-kins. :) It will help us a ton! So the egg retrieval consists of me being put under for about an hour. During that time they will extract the eggs produced and then inject the sperm that day. We will wait 3 days and then we will go back for the embryo transfer. At this time they will not put more than 2 embryos in my uterus (no octo-mom for me). If there are any more good embryos, then they will be frozen for future use.

This is the climax of everything we have gone through. Without a successful transfer, we will not get pregnant...and well, you can imagine how that would go for me. Not good.

So we are hopeful and scared. We have prayed and fasted and we have gone to the temple. We also know we have had the prayers of many in our behalf and we pray once again that this is the will of God, to bless us with at least one more of His precious spirits.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

With love,

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

HCG and giving blood...

Today started out early. I had to be at the U by 8:00 am. Now I know there are plenty of people who do this every day and my hat goes off to them...seriously.... The freeway wasn't too bad, I-215 isn't that bad is that blasted Foothill Drive that slows you down to a total stop. So, I left my house at 6:30ish, just so that I wouldn't be late.

I got another ultrasound and I was excited when Dr. Hammoud said that everything looks great and that I should be ready to go Thursday! Yay! So I proceeded to get my blood drawn as they check your estrogen levels every day the week of the egg retrieval. This isn't a problem for most people, however, my veins never seem to want to give blood. I have made the best anesthesiologists upset over the fact that they can't draw my blood. I usually go through a few nurses and have to get poked several times...yesterday was okay when they only had to go in twice, but today after 3 nurses and 5 stabs and 45 minutes later there I sat woozy drinking an orange juice....However, on the 6th try the 3rd nurse was able to get what they needed. I sat back for a few minutes and was finally able to walk out with out falling on my face. The good news, I don't have to do that again tomorrow as we did the HCG shot tonight. So Thursday is my egg retrieval day, that means the transfer will happen on Sunday. So keep us in your prayers as it is crunch time!

Lots of love,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Random thoughts

Feeling a little nervous, tomorrow we have an ultrasound that will tell all sorts of things...if the meds are working (they better be) many eggs I will have, if I am hyper-stimulating (I better not be)...the day of the egg retrieval and the approximate time of the embryo transfer. I am trying to wrap my brain around the idea that we may be getting pregnant with our 3rd or 4th child. Am I really ready? Everyone tells me that the third child is the hardest, I am thinking, well if I have a 3rd child, will this be the case for me or maybe if I have twins, meaning I have my 3rd and 4th child at once, maybe it will be easier ;) I will skip right over having a 3rd child and have 4! Anyway, I was just thinking...this week or next I could be pregnant. I am very excited and scared and emotional and filled with anticipation. It is getting close and we pray that all will go well, that we can get pregnant and that I can be strengthened to be able to be the mom of 3 or 4 kids :)



Friday, July 9, 2010

Day to day

Today has been a great day. I feel really good...and my kids have been great. These are the days I need to remember the most!



check out my photography website
it shows why we do what we do...
for our children.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I have had one now for 2 weeks...don't remember the headache last time...maybe my body is getting too old for this...

Still okay with the shots.

Although, I feel like I am out of spots to puncture...last night we must have hit a nerve and a vein because wow, it HURT and bled a ton.



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Bring out the big guns....

Okay, so we started 2 more shots yesterday. These are the FSH shots along with a lower dose of Lupron. We got the package out with all of our shots and our kitchen island looked like a drug store had exploded on it. Once we made sure we knew what we were doing (you don't want to mess these shots up, that could get really expensive) Flavio became the mad scientist. With the one FSH shot, we have to mix it up ourselves. The needle shown is much bigger than the needle that goes into my hip. However, that needle is a lot like the Progesterone needle I will be having to take soon. :(

But, we were able to remember what the nurses had taught and with two more ice cubes, I made it through the first night. It wasn't bad at all....

Now just 10 to 12 more days of this and then we get to do the actual In-Vitro! I am getting excited and just pray that it will work the first time :)



Sunday, July 4, 2010

Feeling a little emotional...

Sundays are always a little more emotional for me. I guess I am more in focus with my spiritual side and with God. I tend to depend on Him more and I think realize all that I already have while also asking for more. I feel like I am never totally satisfied. But I am not sure if this is a bad thing or not. I think, as long as our hearts are in the right place, as long as we are trying to do what is good for us and our family, asking for these things is what God wants us to do. I sometimes feel repetitive. I ask for the same thing every night, "please let this first in-vitro work. Please let us have one more of Thy sweet spirits here in our home."

There were times when we were trying to have Hannah when I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough to be allowed to have a baby. I worried that He didn't trust me enough to raise one of His precious children. And that is why we couldn't have one. It was such a dark time for me. I felt my whole purpose of being on this earth was gone. I had a hard time seeing anything but wanting to have a child. And while this may be a a righteous desire, I regret how much time I spent obsessing over it. It put me in that dark place and I had a hard time getting back out again.

This time my eyes have been opened a little more...I hope. I feel that what Flavio and I are going through has nothing to do with God trusting us having children, I think He knows that I am learning and growing more from this experience. I feel that He trusts me enough to know that I will do all that I can to bring the children He has promised Flavio and me. I feel that He knows I will have to trust in Him that much more and so I will grow. There is no way around it. I either believe in Him or I don't. I either do ALL that I can and leave the rest up to Him or I don't.

I know God lives. I know He knows all of our pains, sorrows, and fears. I know He will lift us up and help us carry the burdens we all have. He may not, and usually doesn't, take them away. But if we trust in Him and look to His Son, our Savior we can get through anything.

Thank you for all that you do for me and my family. I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you for caring enough to be a part of this experience with us. We truly feel stronger because of you.

With love.