Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Friday, December 3, 2010

5 months!

I am officially starting my 6th month of pregnancy! I can't believe it! This pregnancy has gone by so fast.

I am really starting to show now, which makes me excited. I think I will take a few pictures and show my progression from here on out. It takes me about 5 months before you can really see my belly (one of the good things about being tall) but for me I can't wait to show off my belly, so I wish I would show earlier. :(

Baby Eva is moving around like a little bouncy ball inside my belly. She has even let Flavio and Hannah feel her kick! I love this time of being pregnant! We are so very happy and feel so very blessed! And I am starting to get the "nesting" bug, so my house better watch out!



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Has it sunk in?

Many of you know that I have two crazy, but adorable little girls who are the sunshine of my life. When we went to go see what this baby was going to be, I will admit, I was hopeful for a boy. There are a few reasons for this, first, it would be nice to have a boy due to the fact that I am an only child and happen to be a girl, we have only had girls, so on my side of the family we have never experienced a baby boy. Second, having babies is not an easy task for with this little bundle of joy being a boy, being "done" would have been a lot easier to deal we are not so sure we are done. Third, the only dream I have ever had of having a child, is about a boy. So it seemed logical to me that we would be having a boy sooner than later...well, as most of us know, our way does not usually match God's way. :)

So, when the ultrasound tech finally got around to telling us that we were going to have another girl, I thought for sure that I was going to be totally disappointed. But I wasn't. I was thrilled...and shocked. But thrilled. And now the idea that I will be having 3 daughters has really sunk in. I am thrilled for and envious of them. I hope that they are best friends. I hope that as they get older and have their own families they will have each other to call, to go out with and help one another. There are MANY days I wish I had that. Therefore, I am very excited that they will have not one, but two sisters to call on and share their experiences with.

I am so excited to have this little baby girl and we are doubly excited and blessed that she is healthy and strong. She is exactly where she needs to be in measurement and health. She is getting more and more active and I love feeling those little bumps and pushes. And I love how every day, Hannah wants to see my stomach and every day she tells me how huge I am :) I am grateful I get to share this experience with my girls. And although Hannah was the most vocal when it came to sharing her feelings at the ultrasound..."But I wanted a boy!" she shouted, as soon as the announcement of a another girl was made. (I think she was confused in the idea that we get to choose what we want.) But she is very excited now and prays for baby Eva every day and night.

Thank you, once again, for being a part of this journey with us. We are thrilled and excited. We are already half way and so in just a short 20 weeks, I will have my third miracle baby in my arms. And I can't wait.

Lots of love,

Friday, November 12, 2010

And we are having...

A GIRL!!!!!!

We are very excited!

And the winner of the contest is Arianne!


Lots and lots of love,


Friday, October 15, 2010


So I am not usually into these types of things, but I thought why not? So I want to see what everyone thinks I am having...if you guess right and you are the number we pick from a drawing, I will give away a mini photo shoot for Christmas cards. This would only be a family picture with no singles, but you would get a CD with a few photos to choose from! For free! So let the guessing begin!

(You must be in Utah or Salt Lake Counties to win)

End date for this will be November 12, 2010!



Monday, October 11, 2010


I love that technology is now telling me that my baby really looks like a baby now. He/she can open and close his/her hands, is starting to hear noises and moves all over the place...I have felt a little jolt now and then :)

It is amazing how you can be in love with someone you can't see, really feel or know. But I am in love with this little person and can't wait to meet them :)



Saturday, October 2, 2010


So it has been a few days since I wrote. I am not sure how many people check this blog, but I have appreciated all of the love and comments I have received from so many :)

I am now 13 weeks pregnant! I am still sick with nausea and headaches quite a bit, but I think it should only be a couple more weeks of this and then my second tri-mester...yay! I LOVED my second tri-mester with Hannah.

And in two weeks we get to go to San Diego for a family vacation. I am looking forward to getting away and spending some fun time with the family. I just pray I feel great by then ;)



Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What a beautiful sound!

So yesterday we had a doctor's appointment. We were able to hear the beautiful little sound of our baby's heartbeat. I forgot how comforting this is. He or she is doing great. We are 11 1/2 weeks, so we have almost made it to our second trimester! Yay! With what I can remember, the second trimester was great. I felt great, I could start to feel the baby and we get to find out what we are having! YAY!

So happy being pregnant!



Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What a headache...

I have been getting these horrible headaches with this pregnancy...does anyone have any advice for me on how to treat them? I know you can't take anything but Tylenol...which doesn't work. Let me know if there are any safe tricks out there to help :)



Thursday, September 9, 2010

Last...but not least...

My last shot is... TODAY!

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am that I have made it this far! We are so blessed. What a journey it has been getting our cute kids. As much as I hate infertility, it has also taught me how to be strong. I have learned so much about my strengths and my weaknesses from this experience. I know that God has helped me through it all.

Thank you for all your love and support! We have loved having you on this journey with us :)



Friday, September 3, 2010

Count down...

Just a little fun note, I get to stop my progesterone shot September 9th! Hopefully I will feel well enough to go out and celebrate! If not, I guess just not taking another shot will be super enough. :)

I will have taken 53 IMC shots by the time we are done...let me tell you, my hips are feeling it. ouch.



Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Our little peanut...

And here is a picture of our little peanut.


For sure

So we had our second ultrasound yesterday, as we were not absolute on how many babies were in my tummy. :)

Our first ultrasound showed two sacks and one baby. We were not sure if we just couldn't see the baby yet or whether the little embryo had arrested early on.

This ultrasound showed us our little peanut again, and once again a little empty sack. The sack had grown closer to our little peanut and the doctor said most likely it will just be absorbed into the other placenta.

So, we have ONE, for sure. One little peanut to love and adore. One little peanut to add to the craziness. We are truly excited and grateful for this little miracle.

Lots and lots of love,


Friday, August 27, 2010


Sorry, I haven't posted for awhile. Luckily we are all doing great here. Lia is better and no one else got her little strep throat...which was a true blessing.

This pregnancy has been totally different than when I was pregnant with Hannah. I was really sick every day with Hannah, but this time it is day by day (which is great). Although yesterday and today have been the same...sick. Also, all I want is junk food! Why is that? You would think my body would say, "hey, you have a baby inside HEALTHY!" But no, yesterday all I wanted was a snicker's shake and french fries. So I gave in and off to Arctic Circle we went.

I am also way more tired with this pregnancy. Around 2 o'clock or so, it is like I hit this wall. I struggle to keep my eyes open. It is actually pretty funny. I am completely worthless after 2:00, so I do try to get in a little house work and photography edits before the afternoon.

Anyway...I hope I don't sound like I am complaining...I am so giddy happy that we are pregnant. It is just that this is what my life is like right now...and I want to remember it.

Lots and lots of love,


Monday, August 23, 2010


Lia is so much better! What a crazy weekend :S

Baby in tummy is making me sicker and sicker by the day...I have to admit, as much as I hate being is good to have a reminder that he or she is doing well and still growing.

Just 17 more days of the Progesterone shot! YAY!

Not sure if my hips could take any more of those...




Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sick, sick, sick...

Today started off pretty good. I had done a wedding yesterday, so I was a little tired. We were planning on going to the reception tonight as well, there was going to lots of fun activities and food. So we were looking forward to it. However, Lia started to act a little strange, I felt her head and she felt really hot. I took her temp and it was 101 degrees. I wasn't too worried at this point, but I did feel like something wasn't quite right. I gave her some infant Tylenol to see if I could get her fever down. Two hours later, I checked her head again and she was even hotter. She was being lethargic as well, so I took her temp again. This time it was 102.8...I was officially worried. I called our doctor (who has an after hours clinic, which we love) and they said we needed to come in. Well, a long story short...Lia has strep throat! This isn't very common in someone her age. But it does happen. So she has started her first round of antibiotics and hopefully we can get this taken care of without anyone else getting sick. I asked the doctor if it would be serious if I were to get strep due to me being pregnant and he said, "yes". So, of course I am really worried.

What a day. I am beat. I just pray that Lia will feel better soon and that we will all stay healthy. I hate it when my kids are sick. It is so sad to see them feeling so miserable.



Thursday, August 19, 2010

Now that we know...

So, it was a huge relief to be able to see that little person wiggling inside me. I have felt like this in-vitro was going to work this time, but I think it is hard not to question yourself when it comes to matters such as these. I was thankful when they called us with a positive result and yet I still hesitated to be completely overjoyed until I could see this little baby. I guess it all goes back to our faith. Faith is truly something hoped for that is not seen but it true. I feel a little embarrassed that I wasn't able to have complete faith, when I had had promptings that everything would be fine. It wasn't until I had complete knowledge that I was able to relax somewhat. I will admit, my faith in Christ and my faith in my religion seem to be a different thing. I truly believe in my Savior and I can't see me believing in him more when I see him again. I think I have complete faith that he is real and that his life and mission were real. I feel the same way about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it is true.

I hope someday that I will be able to feel of the Spirit and completely believe in what God wants for me. I hope that I can come to trust Him fully and not partially.

I will also admit...when we only saw the one baby (and as relieved as I was), I mourned for that second baby. There was a part of me that thought we were going to be having twins, and so, I, in a way, had attached to both of them.

In the end, however, I am truly grateful for this great blessing. I know that we are blessed. I know that there are people out there who try everything for years to have a baby. And while Flavio and I have known total heartbreak, we have two beautiful, healthy daughters and one more sweet angel on the way. These last six years have been the best and worst years of my life. I have never known such pain or such joy.

And now that we know...I will rejoice.



Monday, August 16, 2010

how many?


And he or she is healthy and looks great!

We have a little jelly bean with a strong heart beat :)

I couldn't have asked for more than that :)


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Counting down

We are counting down to Monday. Monday at 2:30 to be exact. That is when we will know whether we are having 1 or 2 babies. We will be able to see the little heart beats or beat. This to me is, of course, the most important part as it will let us know whether they are doing well or not. So, once again I am asking for a few more prayers in our behalf. A prayer that these little angels will be able to come into our lives and be with us forever.

I keep alluding that there might be two...I am really not sure at this point. I just figure, I will say two instead of one, so I don't make one of them feel bad. :)



Tuesday, August 10, 2010




Friday, August 6, 2010

Am I ready?

After a night like tonight, I wonder if I am ready to add one or two more little people to this already seemingly crazy family. Lia is our little tease, and if she is not making Hannah cry, she is crying for not being successful. So today was one of those days...I tried to keep them busy...we played outside with sidewalk chalk, we read books, we had a little picnic in our living room. I did do a photo shoot as soon as Flavio got home. Flavio, however, brought home pizza, all in all it was a good day...but my kids just kept melting down.

Now, I just worry, how am I going to do this with one or two more? Am I ready?

Advice...please. Let me know I am not alone in wanting to run out of my house screaming some nights. Let me know that I will survive. I want these babies, or baby with all my heart. But after days like this, I wonder how I will ever manage :0



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

How many?

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your love and concern for us during this crazy but amazing time. Until I got the call, I wasn't totally sure if we were going to get good news. 3 out of the 5 times we have done this, the news has been bad. For some reason, that "negative" just kept popping up in my head. It was a very scary wait.

So, I went in on Sunday morning to get my blood drawn. They give you a specific day and our day happened to be Sunday, August 1st. We didn't tell anyone what day it was, as we wanted to have some element of surprise. Anyway, so after coming back from U of U, we got ready for church. I wasn't sure what we were going to do if they called us at church. I am not a fan of phones in church, but I figured this was one time it would be okay. The U had both of our cell numbers, so we were covered. We put out phones on vibrate and off to church we went.

As we sat, keeping Hannah and Lia entertained, I had my phone under my leg so I wouldn't miss the call. We sang, we had a prayer. The Bishop gave his announcements. And then there was a baby blessing. As the father prayed for his little baby boy, I started to cry and then I felt a weird vibration under my leg..."oh, no" I thought, "what do I do?" Then the vibration stopped. The father was still praying when my husband all of a sudden got up and left. This was it. I sat there frozen, not sure what to do. Then Flavio came back in, I couldn't read his face...was it good news or bad? He then said, "they want to talk to you". So I got up and hurried out of the chapel. The nurse on the other end said, "Hi, how are doing?"... "We have some news for you." This for some reason seemed bad. Her voice wasn't happy, my heart sank and I waited. Then she said, "It is positive! You are pregnant!" I just stood, not really sure what to say. So I started to cry. By then Flavio and the girls were there with me and we were all able to celebrate together in the house of my Lord. What a blessing it was that we could be in such a place as that. I was able to feel of the Spirit and know that my Father in Heaven was with us.

Now we get to wait to see how many babies we are going to have. We won't have anymore than two, as only two embryos were implanted. I will be getting this viability scan in two weeks, that will make me 6 weeks along. Yes, I am only about 4 weeks sure makes for a long pregnancy when you know so early. But we are super excited and can't wait to see those little heart beats or heart beat.

We will keep you posted.

Thank you again for all your love and for all of your prayers.



Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Result

Today was the day.

And the result is.....

we are pregnant!

Thank you for all your love and prayers. We are so excited!


niki, flavio, hannah and lia

Friday, July 30, 2010


Our brains are amazing. No one really understands how they truly work. But they do...most of the time. They tell us if we are hot or cold, in pain or happy. They can affect how you feel day by day. Your brain tells you to move whatever you want to move. It remembers things, it grows, it also slows down as you get older. The brain allows you to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. It tells you when you are scared or excited. We can learn languages and communicate in very complex ways. It sends messages to every part of our body. So many things happen because of the brain...and so many things don't happen if it isn't working correctly. We know that the brain is very important. This was not always the case. The Egyptians and Aristotle thought is was worthless. The Egyptians, during mummification, threw the brain away. And Aristotle thought all the brain's functions came from the heart.

Why in the world would I be talking about this? Well, my brain has been telling me things that would make me believe I am pregnant...I am hoping it is because I AM pregnant and not because of pure psychological reasons....I don't want it to tell me I'm pregnant because that is what I want so much that I can literally trick myself into thinking that I am.

I pray that my brain is working as it should...I am not sure how I will handle it if it isn't.



Monday, July 26, 2010

Two great pictures!

So this first picture is of Flavio's mom with the girls. They had so much fun together and the girls miss her so much already :( Thank you again Mae, for helping us out! We love you!

The next picture is why she are our two little embryos...we hope to very soon call them our children.

Call me crazy, but I already love these two little dividing cells...



Sunday, July 25, 2010

Appreciate much!

I just wanted to write and let you know that it really makes me feel good that so many of you have been following our IVF blog. It means so much that you care enough to do so.

Thank you.

I hope that I can get through this week with little to no stress over what we are going that I am not on bed rest I plan on making myself busy...I know I said this in my last post...but i mean it. All the Spring cleaning that I planned on doing this past Spring, will be done this week. I guess I will just get to the early nesting thing and whether we are pregnant or not, at least I will have a clean house :)

I was hoping that I would read a lot, but I have not been in the reading mood. Which is very annoying as I have had all the time in the world to read these past few days. I will, when I am usually extremely busy, find a book that I can't put down and literally my whole family suffers...I become obsessed! But, when I have hours and hours to kill with nothing else to do but read and watch movies, guess what I did: I watched movies. Oh, well. It was relaxing and I was so grateful to my mother-in-law for coming over to help me out with the kids. I think the kids are going to be in for shock, as my mother-in-law literally entertained them 24/7...this of course will not continue on my watch...hopefully we can transition well ;)

Okay, well I will keep you posted if anything crazy happens...otherwise it will just be my random thoughts and the random happenings of my day.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!



Saturday, July 24, 2010

I am back...almost

So, today marks the 4th day after the embryo transfer. I have been sitting or lying around since Tuesday after the transfer.... I have to admit, I hate the lying around. It is very boring. My sweet mother-in-law came over to help with the girls, so that has been wonderful...but it is harder than you might think to just sit there when you feel fine. I feel for all those who have to stay on bed rest for weeks or months at a time.

Now, just as Flavio stated, we are just waiting. I keep hoping for some sign from my body. I can't remember whether I felt something different when we got pregnant with Hannah. I do feel completely exhausted...I can't get enough sleep. But other than that I feel normal. I wish so bad that it was an automatic sensation of knowing these precious embryos attached. But, for whatever reason nature has entended...we have to wait. We will go in some time in the next 2 weeks to find out. I thought this time would be easier, but it isn't. I am really for the most part consumed by what is happening and I am just as anxious as any of the other times before.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is, I thought that it would get easier...but it hasn't been. I am just as anxious for this baby as I was for when we were trying for Hannah and when we were waiting for Lia.

Thank you everyone for all your love and prayers. We will let you know as soon as we find out. Until then, I am going to try to stay very busy to help the time go by faster...let me know if you want to play, hang out and do something fun.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Waiting Game

Thank you everyone for keeping us in your prayers while we have been going through this in-vitro process. The embryo transfer went really well today, everything was very smooth and the staff at the University of Utah Reproductive Medicine team has been excellent. Everyone is so nice and helpful and very considerate of our situation.

I wanted to take a minute and explain the process today so everyone is up to speed on what is going on. Since the last update, there were 5 embryos that had fertilized, in the last couple of days 2 of the embryos kept growing, and 3 stopped :( but we did get 2 really good embryos :) those two embryos were implanted today and now we wait and hope that they both or at least one attaches, if it does, success. If not, back to square one. We're really hopeful and have felt really good about the whole process. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we have great news to share.

Niki is doing great and is resting for the rest of the week, while the little embryos do their thing (please attach!).

So what now? Waiting. Lots and lots of waiting. Wish us luck, and please, prayers, lots of prayers for us.

For those who are going through our struggle, you are not alone. There are so many couples out there going through the same thing. Reach out to others in your situation if you know them and get the support you need. If not, we sometimes have to educate those around us so that they can support us in our trial. We all need support from others to get through this. We can get through this, it's tough, but it's possible. With the help of family, friends, the Lord, and our determination to seek out the blessings that the Lord has for us, we can have that joy that we desire.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The day is set!

Tuesday! This is the day of our anticipated transfer! The lab called and said we have 5 embryos that are dividing normally, so hopefully we will have 2 for Tuesday and 3 more to freeze and store for another transfer later on :)

I am very nervous and excited. What a journey this has been. And it will not end until I have said, "Enough children, I have enough."



Friday, July 16, 2010

How did it go?

The egg retrieval went amazing. We were able to get 9 eggs this time, so hopefully we will be able to freeze a few for a frozen transfer (that is how we got Hannah). A fresh cycle, when the embryos have not been frozen, tends to give a higher % of success. We plan on putting in 2 embryos and will be doing so Sunday or Tuesday. U of U waits for day 3 or day 5 after the egg retrieval, they want those embryos to be optimal. We are very excited and putting our faith in God. It is up to Him now to help the doctors and my body with this process. We have done everything we know how and feel we can hand it over to Him.

After the transfer we will have to wait 2 weeks to know whether or not we are pregnant. It usually feels like the longest week of my life...but I have made it through 4 of them, so I can wait one more time.

Oh, I did start my progesterone shot yesterday and Flavio did a great job sticking it in. This shot is an IM or inter-muscular shot. So the needle is long...annoyingly long. If I get pregnant I will take it for 10 weeks total. If I don't get pregnant then we stop, of course.

So here is praying that I get to keep taking it!



Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Egg Retrieval

Tomorrow is one of two very important days...the egg retrieval day. I have been taking shots every day for 3 weeks (42 shots in all). All this time my ovaries have been stimulated in such a way that instead of producing 1 or 2 eggs, they said I should have about 8. They will then take Flavio's sperm and put one in each egg. This is called ICSI (i-c-see). Not everyone has to do this, for just in-vitro they can put the egg in a petri dish along with the sperm and let nature do it's thing...but we are a little on the worse case scenario side, so we have to do the ICSI along with in-vitro. It is amazing technology and without we would never be able to have a full biological child.

Tomorrow we have to be at U of U by 7:30 am...early. And thank you, Beth, for being willing to watch our other two munch-kins. :) It will help us a ton! So the egg retrieval consists of me being put under for about an hour. During that time they will extract the eggs produced and then inject the sperm that day. We will wait 3 days and then we will go back for the embryo transfer. At this time they will not put more than 2 embryos in my uterus (no octo-mom for me). If there are any more good embryos, then they will be frozen for future use.

This is the climax of everything we have gone through. Without a successful transfer, we will not get pregnant...and well, you can imagine how that would go for me. Not good.

So we are hopeful and scared. We have prayed and fasted and we have gone to the temple. We also know we have had the prayers of many in our behalf and we pray once again that this is the will of God, to bless us with at least one more of His precious spirits.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

With love,

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

HCG and giving blood...

Today started out early. I had to be at the U by 8:00 am. Now I know there are plenty of people who do this every day and my hat goes off to them...seriously.... The freeway wasn't too bad, I-215 isn't that bad is that blasted Foothill Drive that slows you down to a total stop. So, I left my house at 6:30ish, just so that I wouldn't be late.

I got another ultrasound and I was excited when Dr. Hammoud said that everything looks great and that I should be ready to go Thursday! Yay! So I proceeded to get my blood drawn as they check your estrogen levels every day the week of the egg retrieval. This isn't a problem for most people, however, my veins never seem to want to give blood. I have made the best anesthesiologists upset over the fact that they can't draw my blood. I usually go through a few nurses and have to get poked several times...yesterday was okay when they only had to go in twice, but today after 3 nurses and 5 stabs and 45 minutes later there I sat woozy drinking an orange juice....However, on the 6th try the 3rd nurse was able to get what they needed. I sat back for a few minutes and was finally able to walk out with out falling on my face. The good news, I don't have to do that again tomorrow as we did the HCG shot tonight. So Thursday is my egg retrieval day, that means the transfer will happen on Sunday. So keep us in your prayers as it is crunch time!

Lots of love,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Random thoughts

Feeling a little nervous, tomorrow we have an ultrasound that will tell all sorts of things...if the meds are working (they better be) many eggs I will have, if I am hyper-stimulating (I better not be)...the day of the egg retrieval and the approximate time of the embryo transfer. I am trying to wrap my brain around the idea that we may be getting pregnant with our 3rd or 4th child. Am I really ready? Everyone tells me that the third child is the hardest, I am thinking, well if I have a 3rd child, will this be the case for me or maybe if I have twins, meaning I have my 3rd and 4th child at once, maybe it will be easier ;) I will skip right over having a 3rd child and have 4! Anyway, I was just thinking...this week or next I could be pregnant. I am very excited and scared and emotional and filled with anticipation. It is getting close and we pray that all will go well, that we can get pregnant and that I can be strengthened to be able to be the mom of 3 or 4 kids :)



Friday, July 9, 2010

Day to day

Today has been a great day. I feel really good...and my kids have been great. These are the days I need to remember the most!



check out my photography website
it shows why we do what we do...
for our children.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I have had one now for 2 weeks...don't remember the headache last time...maybe my body is getting too old for this...

Still okay with the shots.

Although, I feel like I am out of spots to puncture...last night we must have hit a nerve and a vein because wow, it HURT and bled a ton.



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Bring out the big guns....

Okay, so we started 2 more shots yesterday. These are the FSH shots along with a lower dose of Lupron. We got the package out with all of our shots and our kitchen island looked like a drug store had exploded on it. Once we made sure we knew what we were doing (you don't want to mess these shots up, that could get really expensive) Flavio became the mad scientist. With the one FSH shot, we have to mix it up ourselves. The needle shown is much bigger than the needle that goes into my hip. However, that needle is a lot like the Progesterone needle I will be having to take soon. :(

But, we were able to remember what the nurses had taught and with two more ice cubes, I made it through the first night. It wasn't bad at all....

Now just 10 to 12 more days of this and then we get to do the actual In-Vitro! I am getting excited and just pray that it will work the first time :)



Sunday, July 4, 2010

Feeling a little emotional...

Sundays are always a little more emotional for me. I guess I am more in focus with my spiritual side and with God. I tend to depend on Him more and I think realize all that I already have while also asking for more. I feel like I am never totally satisfied. But I am not sure if this is a bad thing or not. I think, as long as our hearts are in the right place, as long as we are trying to do what is good for us and our family, asking for these things is what God wants us to do. I sometimes feel repetitive. I ask for the same thing every night, "please let this first in-vitro work. Please let us have one more of Thy sweet spirits here in our home."

There were times when we were trying to have Hannah when I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough to be allowed to have a baby. I worried that He didn't trust me enough to raise one of His precious children. And that is why we couldn't have one. It was such a dark time for me. I felt my whole purpose of being on this earth was gone. I had a hard time seeing anything but wanting to have a child. And while this may be a a righteous desire, I regret how much time I spent obsessing over it. It put me in that dark place and I had a hard time getting back out again.

This time my eyes have been opened a little more...I hope. I feel that what Flavio and I are going through has nothing to do with God trusting us having children, I think He knows that I am learning and growing more from this experience. I feel that He trusts me enough to know that I will do all that I can to bring the children He has promised Flavio and me. I feel that He knows I will have to trust in Him that much more and so I will grow. There is no way around it. I either believe in Him or I don't. I either do ALL that I can and leave the rest up to Him or I don't.

I know God lives. I know He knows all of our pains, sorrows, and fears. I know He will lift us up and help us carry the burdens we all have. He may not, and usually doesn't, take them away. But if we trust in Him and look to His Son, our Savior we can get through anything.

Thank you for all that you do for me and my family. I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you for caring enough to be a part of this experience with us. We truly feel stronger because of you.

With love.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I forgot...

Yesterday went great. Everything looks wonderful and we are still set to go this next month :) After the ultra-sound we went in and talked to the nurse about the next couple of weeks. These next two weeks are very important as it is the prep time for the actual egg retrieval and the embryo transfer. I knew that we would be talking about the next shot that I would have to start taking as it is a little more involved than the Lupron. I talked about it yesterday, the Repronex.

However, I forgot, this is not the only other shot I have to take...there is another shot as well. These shots together are the FSH shots. It is like a shot cocktail ;) or ;(

I forgot about the "other" shot. Not that it is that bad, at least I don't remember it being bad...but I don't remember it at all, so....

Starting Monday, I will be taking 3 separate shots for 10 to 12 days. After 8 days of this I will go in for another ultra-sound and they will be able to then know when the exact date for my retrieval will be and that is when everything REALLY starts.

So here is not looking forward to Monday, did I mention, I don't like shots? Yeah, so this will be interesting...I figure I did it once...I guess I can do it again right :/

lots of love


Monday, June 28, 2010

Another Ultrasound

So, tomorrow I get to go back to U of U for an ultrasound. This ultrasound should tell us a lot about how things are going to go these next 4 weeks. I will be on Lupron for two more weeks, during that time I will be starting another shot called Repronex. The Repronex will do the opposite of what Lupron does...Lupron stops my system in it's tracks and the Repronex stimulates my ovaries, so I can release more than the normal amount of eggs when it is time for the retrieval. I will have two more shots after that, one is the well known diet shot HCG...which still boggles my mind that it is used for a diet as well. And the other shot is a progesterone shot (this one is my least favorite).

Anyway, hopefully everything looks good and we can keep on the same schedule. We have literally planned our lives around this :)

Hope all is well with you :)



Sunday, June 27, 2010

Testy, testy

I am not sure if this is normal, or if it is just me, but when I start the hormone treatments I get...well, let's just say testy. I don't deal with disappointment or change very well. For example, my husband drove home Friday from Las Vegas, and because of traffic and a car accident ahead of them, they were 4 hours later than they should have been. When he called to tell me, all I could do was cry...yes, I cried. I was so upset. I knew somehow that this was crazy, but the tears just kept flowing.

This is going to be a very bumpy ride ;)

Here is wishing good luck to my family...I hope I don't have too many days like that.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Never again

So, now that my husband is coming home, I hope to never have to give myself a shot again. I am not sure why it is so difficult to do. It is just a little needle. I would numb up the area, clean it and then stick the needle on my tummy where I had numbed it...and I would just look at it, thinking, "now you really expect me to push this thing in?" I would take a few attempts...and then closing my eyes I would push and "pop", it would go in. I have to tell all of you women out there who have done the shots on your own through the whole process (i know there are a few of you) are amazing and brave.

I am very grateful my husband will do the shots for me...because I never want to do that ever way.



Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I did it!

I gave myself the shot!

I cried through the whole thing.

Then I called Flavio.

Then I called my mom.



Is it hot in here?

This is never a good sign, I am blasting the AC in the car on our way to the aquarium and Hannah yells, "I am freezing Mama!", while I sit there sweating. Hot flashes, you got to love them! Yes, they are a Lurpon side affect, not everyone gets them...just the lucky ones ;)

I never thought my mom and I would be going through hot flashes at the same time.

Life is a ride.



Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not too much

I have to admit, although IVF is a daily thing...not much changes until the last couple of weeks. So there is not much to add today...other than the fact that my husband will be out of town for 3 days and I will have to give the shots myself (not a good thing for me). So we will see how I do.

Hope you are doing well and I will talk to you soon.



Monday, June 21, 2010

A Child's Faith

I have to share this tender moment with all of you. We have been talking to our daughters about the prospect of having another baby. We are trying to be open and honest about what we are doing to get another baby. Hannah has been very interested in this whole process and is always asking if she can help us get a baby.

The other day she asked us again, "Mom, can I help you get a baby?" and as I always say to her, "Yes, we need you to pray for one." Her response still brings tears to my eyes, "Mom, I already prayed and Heavenly Father said yes, I heard Him."

We have nothing to fear.

I feel very grateful.


Sunday, June 20, 2010


The first shot...done.

And it didn't hurt a bit...thank goodness for ice...and its numbing power :)

See you tomorrow!


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Questions and my first shot...

Thank you to all of those who have already commented and had questions, it makes me feel great to know that we have so many people who are there for us and supporting us. I am also glad that I could already answer some questions for those who are also in our same situation.

Just to answer some of the more general questions: We are going through the U of U this time. We know three separate couples who have gone through them and all three got pregnant, so we are hoping to have the same result the first time. :) Another question is how long does the process take? This all depends on the couple. I would say the normal time frame is 2 to 4 months for it all to happen. Also, there are grants out there along with some insurance plans that cover it. So if you have a choice for insurance look at those options.

As for our process, I had my sonohystogram yesterday and everything looks great, so we get to start our first set of shots tomorrow. The first set of shots are called Lupron shots. It is a little needle that goes into your stomach area once a day. The Lupron actually will stop my reproductive system (put me into menopause...yes I will get hot flashes and everything) , that way the doctors can take complete control of when things happen so they can plan everything out to almost the minute for the transfer. The Lupron shot isn't bad, it stings just a little, but what I can remember from last time it makes me a little moody :) So if I am a little more testy than normal, don't take it personally :)

Anyway, that is all for today. I kind of want to write a little history of our experience with infertility, but I think I will save that for later. Let me know if you have any more questions.

With love,


Friday, June 18, 2010

Let the journey begin...

I have decided to start a blog about the daily life of an IVF family. What is IVF you might ask? This is the shortened name for In-Vitro. Couples who are not able to have children on there own and who have severe infertility issues are usually prime candidates for this procedure. Here are some basic questions and answers for those who are not familiar with IVF and who are in the same situation or know someone who is. My hope is that this blog will help someone on their journey to building a family.

What is IVF and what do you have to do?

IVF is where an infertility specialist and an embryologist are able to harvest a woman's eggs and collect a man's sperm to create an embryo outside of the womb. It is simply amazing.

As far as what happens, well, I will be blogging about each day to share with you the ups and downs that come with this amazing technology. There are shots, tons of doctor visits, ultra sounds, hormones, and more doctor visits :)

How mush does it cost?

This differs. You can go out of the country and do IVF for only $5,000. If you stay in the States, the average cost for IVF is $14,000. This includes the medications and the actual IVF process.

I am excited to be able to blog my journey. We have gone through this before and I have nothing written down about how I felt or what what happening. The first journey was tough. It took us 3 tries to get our little Hannah. I went through some dark times mentally and spiritually. But I grew from it. I learned to trust more, not only myself but God as well. He has a plan for all of us. He knows what we are going through and what we suffer.

I also want to say that this blog is not intended for sympathy or pity. This blog is to share a journey that is so unique, and in some respects very personal. However, like I said before, I hope that this will help one person who may need help from our experience with infertility. I have been to hell and back with this trial and I know that it won't be over until we stop wanting more children.

My biggest hope is that my two beautiful daughters, Hannah and Lia (Lia came to us through the miracle of adoption), will grow up knowing that they are loved deeply not only by us, their parents, but by their Father in Heaven. They are our children no matter how they came to us. I am grateful for the experiences I have gone through because of infertility and I am equally grateful there are options for those of us who are going through it.

So let the journey begin...

June 18: I am going to get a Sonohyst. This is where they make sure there are no blockages in my fallopian tubes. They shoot some dye in and look via ultra sound to make sure everything looks great. We also are paying the full amount for the IVF, minus the meds.