Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Am I ready?

After a night like tonight, I wonder if I am ready to add one or two more little people to this already seemingly crazy family. Lia is our little tease, and if she is not making Hannah cry, she is crying for not being successful. So today was one of those days...I tried to keep them busy...we played outside with sidewalk chalk, we read books, we had a little picnic in our living room. I did do a photo shoot as soon as Flavio got home. Flavio, however, brought home pizza, all in all it was a good day...but my kids just kept melting down.

Now, I just worry, how am I going to do this with one or two more? Am I ready?

Advice...please. Let me know I am not alone in wanting to run out of my house screaming some nights. Let me know that I will survive. I want these babies, or baby with all my heart. But after days like this, I wonder how I will ever manage :0




  1. Oh Niki you are so not alone in this! I had feelings like this clear up until I had Carter we would have good days and then days I would just say am I really adding another one to this craziness! Even now there are days with my girls that I feel like I just want to run away or wish that I could even just have a few days with no kids.. don't get my wrong I love all mine too and don't know what I would do without them but some days it just gets to be crazy especially with girls and their melt downs :) so no you are not alone and when the new baby or babies is born you will just adapt and do the best you can do and that is all we are asked as mothers. So hang in there.

  2. Niki, you are an amazing mom and everything will turn out just fine. It gets better than it gets crazy again. The kids will demand different types of attention and you will worry about different things as they grow. Unfortunately, girls will melt regardless if they are babies or 11! Yikes... They go through changes all the time and moms pay for it. But look at it this way... Our kids love us regardless, and we love them even more. I look forward to my date nights and quiet times when I can scape from the daily craziness kids bring to my life. But look forward to what life will bring everyday and pray to have patience and be strong to raise good kids. Hang in there, Heavenly Father would not have sent you your beautiful kids if he thought you couldn't handle them! Love you and can't wait to meet my niece(s) or nephew(s)!

  3. I can definitely admit to feeling those same feelings. Having twins, people ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" and the answer is, you just do what you have to do. You don't have a choice. When the boys were very young, they would (several times a day) cry at the same time, each needing to be fed or held...for many months, I would cry with them. Seriously. And then I just had to do what had to be done, I took care of one, while trying to bounce the other in his bouncer, and then I took care of the other. Or, my favorite strategy, was to help them by halves. As in, give one half a bottle, burp him, lay him down. Give the other half a bottle, burp him, lay him down. Finish the first one. Finish the second one. Change the first, change the second, etc. You will do what you do now, prioritize who needs the most help first, who can wait, and YOUR KIDS WILL GET TO LEARN PATIENCE! You will feel bad sometimes that you can't help them all. But it is okay. And the good thing is you have two older girls, so you may find they band together a little more when the new baby(ies) arrive. They won't be alone when your attention is turned to the new addition(s).

    I love you Niki, and however this turns out, you will grow into it and be the amazing mother that you are! Can't wait to hear more news.

    And next year at this time you will be amazed at the ingenious strategies you come up with for "crowd control" and "getting out of the house" and all the logistical changes. :)

  4. Thanks you guys! That gives me hope :) LOL

  5. One day at a time. One personal prayer, one family prayer, one FHE, one hug , one story, one happy moment at a time.( learn to smile through the screaming children)
    Mike would say,"Lower your expectations!" I think he may have a good point. Certain seasons of life need certain expectations. We can't expect to accomplish what we did as single young people when we have responsibility for ourselves, our spouse and the little ones that come along because we love each other so dang much!
    My best advice is to study what the Lord's expectations of you and then do your best to live up to that. Love yourself. You are wonderful!! Oh! And you are not alone in feeling like running away at the end of the day. I think that it totally normal! Those feelings come to pass though, thank goodness!

  6. Luckily we don't feel that way every day...just most :). I have found that the best thing to do when feeling like my kids are going to make me pull ALL my hair out is to take a deep breath, say a quick prayer (or however long I need it to be) and know that I am not alone. Heavenly Father will not let me fail as long as I am relying on him. I might have a not so good day, and the house might be a mess, but my kids will be ok and so will I. You have to try to enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast and then it's gone.
    Love ya Niki...oh and thanks for doing a photo shoot for us on such a crazy day!!