Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Now that we know...

So, it was a huge relief to be able to see that little person wiggling inside me. I have felt like this in-vitro was going to work this time, but I think it is hard not to question yourself when it comes to matters such as these. I was thankful when they called us with a positive result and yet I still hesitated to be completely overjoyed until I could see this little baby. I guess it all goes back to our faith. Faith is truly something hoped for that is not seen but it true. I feel a little embarrassed that I wasn't able to have complete faith, when I had had promptings that everything would be fine. It wasn't until I had complete knowledge that I was able to relax somewhat. I will admit, my faith in Christ and my faith in my religion seem to be a different thing. I truly believe in my Savior and I can't see me believing in him more when I see him again. I think I have complete faith that he is real and that his life and mission were real. I feel the same way about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it is true.

I hope someday that I will be able to feel of the Spirit and completely believe in what God wants for me. I hope that I can come to trust Him fully and not partially.

I will also admit...when we only saw the one baby (and as relieved as I was), I mourned for that second baby. There was a part of me that thought we were going to be having twins, and so, I, in a way, had attached to both of them.

In the end, however, I am truly grateful for this great blessing. I know that we are blessed. I know that there are people out there who try everything for years to have a baby. And while Flavio and I have known total heartbreak, we have two beautiful, healthy daughters and one more sweet angel on the way. These last six years have been the best and worst years of my life. I have never known such pain or such joy.

And now that we know...I will rejoice.




  1. Im sure it was the best thing ever to see that tiny baby inside you. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy!

  2. That is so funny that you say that (not actually funny but you know what I mean)...I actually cried over the one embryo that didn't make it. NOT that I would have wanted triplets, by any means, but that little embryo was still a part of Greg and I. I know that it was the Lord's will and that the little embryo wasn't healthy or else it would have made it BUT, as I'm sure you do, I have a pic of our three little embryos. Two are now beautiful little miracles in our lives. It's just hard to think about what the 3rd little embryo would have been like. It's definitely a that I still brings tears to my eyes.

    Congrats though on your little miracle!! I'm so happy for you guys!!