Living with Infertility

Wanting, hoping waiting,
Loving, longing, knowing,
Feeling the loss before I could lose you.
Never seeing, touching or smelling.
Dreaming, aching, crying.
Losing the hope and joy,
Of Motherhood.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Feeling a little emotional...

Sundays are always a little more emotional for me. I guess I am more in focus with my spiritual side and with God. I tend to depend on Him more and I think realize all that I already have while also asking for more. I feel like I am never totally satisfied. But I am not sure if this is a bad thing or not. I think, as long as our hearts are in the right place, as long as we are trying to do what is good for us and our family, asking for these things is what God wants us to do. I sometimes feel repetitive. I ask for the same thing every night, "please let this first in-vitro work. Please let us have one more of Thy sweet spirits here in our home."

There were times when we were trying to have Hannah when I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough to be allowed to have a baby. I worried that He didn't trust me enough to raise one of His precious children. And that is why we couldn't have one. It was such a dark time for me. I felt my whole purpose of being on this earth was gone. I had a hard time seeing anything but wanting to have a child. And while this may be a a righteous desire, I regret how much time I spent obsessing over it. It put me in that dark place and I had a hard time getting back out again.

This time my eyes have been opened a little more...I hope. I feel that what Flavio and I are going through has nothing to do with God trusting us having children, I think He knows that I am learning and growing more from this experience. I feel that He trusts me enough to know that I will do all that I can to bring the children He has promised Flavio and me. I feel that He knows I will have to trust in Him that much more and so I will grow. There is no way around it. I either believe in Him or I don't. I either do ALL that I can and leave the rest up to Him or I don't.

I know God lives. I know He knows all of our pains, sorrows, and fears. I know He will lift us up and help us carry the burdens we all have. He may not, and usually doesn't, take them away. But if we trust in Him and look to His Son, our Savior we can get through anything.

Thank you for all that you do for me and my family. I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank you for caring enough to be a part of this experience with us. We truly feel stronger because of you.

With love.



  1. I love you too Niki. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Flavio too! Beijos!

  2. Niki, Thank you for sharing these beautiful, raw emotions. The very fact that you are sharing this and your entire journey supports the fact that you are indeed in a more calm, settled place. I am constantly amazed at how personally each of our trials and challenges are fitted to us. You are a strong, spiritual woman and mother, and my thoughts and prayers are with you right now! Keep the faith, even in the face of the giant needles!